ACCIDENT REPORT REVISITED
The Internet Cafe's Ernie Capeci forwards this explanation of the bricklayer story, according to a London lawyer named Bart:
"Your story about the bricklayer was
so good that I forwarded it to the A&O newsletter which, when published,
prompted letters to the editor in three successive issues. It seems that it
isn't a true report but was delivered by one Gerard Huffnung in a speech at the
Oxford Union on December 4, 1958. Still a good story, though." ##
FROM PETER HANDLEY
Three men were standing in line to get into Heaven one day. Apparently, it had been a pretty busy day, so St. Peter had to say:
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?"
Said the first man: "Well, for a while, I've suspected my wife's been cheating on me, so today I cam home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th-floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony and, sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground. By now, I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but, wouldn't you know it? He wouldn't fall off. So, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell. But even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it any more, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge of the balcony so that it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like you had a pretty bad day," said St. Peter, who opened the gates and let the man into Heaven.
Then, the second man came up and told St. Peter his story:
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises on the balcony. Well, this morning, I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony of the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I would be saved, but he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on as best as I could until he ran back into his apartment, grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally, I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I thought I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and here I am!"
Again, St. Peter opened the gate to let the man enter. Then the third man steps up to tell his story:
"Picture this," says the third
man. "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator. . ." ##
FROM LILLIAN DAVIS
There's been some kind of ecumenical gathering and a Methodist minister, a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi meet afterwards. There's also a fourth man in the group who wears long hair and a beard.
"Who are you?" the others ask him.
"I'm Jesus Christ," he says.
The others guffaw incredulously.
"You can't be Jesus Christ!"
"That's my name," he insists.
"Well, if you're THE Jesus Christ, you ought to be able to perform miracles of healing."
"Do any of you have any afflictions that need healing?" the man with the beard asks.
"My hands are all deformed from arthritis," the minister says. "Let's see you do something about THAT!"
So, the man who calls himself Jesus Christ takes the minister's hands in his and holds them. The minister feels a great warmth coming from the hands of the self-described Jesus and when the minister takes them out of Jesus' grip and looks at them, he sees that they are no longer deformed. They are healed!
The priest volunteers that he is going blind and can hardly see, even with his eyeglasses. The guy with the beard takes off the priest's glasses and runs his hands over the priest's eyes. When the self-styled Jesus takes his hands away, the priest finds that he once again has 20-20 vision, even without his specs. Next, the so-called Jesus turns toward the rabbi.
"Keep your hands off me!" the rabbi hollers, "You'll screw up me getting my disability check!" ##
FROM THE BLACKLISTED JOURNALIST
Guy was complaining his doctor charged him $50 to tell him he had tennis elbow.
His friend says: "Schmuck! They got a machine in the drug store, you piss in a cup, you pour it into the machine, you put a quarter in the slot, and the machine punches out a card that tells you what you got."
Incredulous, the man goes to the drug store and sure enough, there's the machine. He pisses into a cup, pours it into the machine, puts a quarter in the slot and the machine punches out a card. It says, "YOU GOT TENNIS ELBOW."
This has got to be some kind of joke, the man figures. "I'm going to really fuck this machine up!" he tells himself. He goes home, gets his wife's piss, gets his daughters piss and then jacks off into the cup and mixes it all up with the oil dipstick from under the hood over his auto engine. Then he goes back to the machine, empties the cup into it and puts a quarter in the slot. The machine punches out a card: "YOUR DAUGHTER'S PREGNANT!" The machine punches out another card: "YOUR WIFE'S GOT THE CLAPP!" The machine punches out another card: "YOUR CAR NEEDS AN OIL CHANGE!" The machine punches out still another card: "AND IF YOU DON'T QUIT JACKING OFF LIKE THAT, YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF YOUR TENNIS ELBOW!" ##
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Margaret Davis - ART ATTACK
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