COLUMN NINETY-FOUR, JULY 1, 2003
(Copyright © 2003 The Blacklisted Journalist)
SIX OF MY MEMOIRS:
SADIE THE PSYCHIC
(Drawing by Ed Galing)
WARNING! FOR ADULTS ONLY! PERSONS NOT YET 18 YEARS OF AGE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ THIS STORY.
[SADIE HATHAWAY AND I HAVE HAD A LONG RELATIONSHIP. I AM.HAPPY THAT SHE CHOSE ME TO WRITE HER MEMOIRS FOR HER... I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED SADIE'S SASSINESS AND SPUNK AND, BESIDES, SHE IS A SEXY LADY, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS NOW SIXTY YEARS OLD. (I AM PUSHING 85) AND SADIE DOES NOT MINCE HER WORDS, AS YOU CAN SEE WHEN YOU READ HER MEMOIRS---WHICH SHE DICTATED TO ME OVER A FEW WEEKS. I HAVE LEFT HER WORDS UNTOUCHED---EVEN THE BAWDY ONES. FOR I DONíT REALLY WANT TO DISTURB HER PERSONALITY. BENEATH IT ALL, YOU WILL FIND SADIE A SYMPATHETIC AND HONEST LADY WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A PSYCHIC (SO SHE SAYS) AND WHO WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MEET SOME REAL HOLLYWOOD PERSONALITIES OF HER TIME.. THERE ISNT A BAD BONE IN HER BODY. LONG LIVE SADIE! ---ED GALING, POET LAUREATE OF HATBORO, PENNSYLVANIA]
hedda hopper, you gotta understand, was one tough
broad... she knew everyone in hollywood and probably had slept with every
producer and director in town. she wore some of the craziest hats ... big, tall
things, with lots of feathers in them.. that was her trademark... hats.. all
kinds... and she had a temper like no one ever saw, and when she let loose you
heard all kinds of words... even worse than my own.. she wasn't above punching
someone in the jaw, or slapping someone if she didnt like you ... hedda was not
married... except to her job... she had the largest circulation of any newspaper
in the country, and was also on the radio, like walter winchell ... and what
distinguished her was that she hated louella parsons with a passion ... louella
was a big, fat broad, with a heavy mass and a voice that was sweet as syrup, but
look out... louella also had her following, too... she snooped into everybodys
private life.. big star or little... when gene raymond, the blonde male movie
star, shacked up with loretta young, she was the first one to know ... when jean
harlow found out her husband paul bern was a queer after she married him, boy,
the headlines on that one!!!
jean harlow was blonde, petite, and pretty, had those rosebud lips that
men liked to kiss and she had an ample bosom, even bigger than my own ... a
coupla times i had done a reading for jean harlow... she liked my style and the
way i talked, and once, sitting at my table, she smiled and said, sadie, why the
fuck do you bother to tell fortunes? why the hell aint you in the movies, like
me? you got a
pretty ass, and you're young... and you could be a star, like me. that's the way
jean harlow was, real honest, like me.
so i shook my head and said, jean honey, thereís just too much pressure
in being a movie star.. everybody wants to lay you, and you gotta get plenty of
lays to get to the top, like you.
that would make her mad and she would say, you mean to tell me i am a
whore, sadie? i dont just sleep around with everyone... besides, i am getting
married to paul bern soon.
Yeah, i said sadly, and then i gave her the bombshell..
you aint gonna have a good honeymoon, jean, i tells her, cause my crystal
ball tells me he's as queer as a three dollar bill ... he loves the boys, jean.
you gotta be wrong, says jean angrily, why the fuck would he marry me
well, i says, he does like you jean... everyone does... but he just wants it to look like he is straight,
had the nicest set of tits
Hedda ever saw
that's all ... he just cant get the dang≠ thing up, jean... you'll see.
well, jean left in a huff, mad as hell at me... but what the hell...
sadie tells it like it is, and a few days after the wedding she found out for
well, i hope that he at least gave her a little lick in the muff, or
somethin... she deserved that much...
jean harlow went on to make a few more movies, and the best one was hells
angels, about world war one, and the people loved the movie... and richard
arlen was the tall, handsome aviator who played her leading man, and they fell
in love on the set and went to bed... i think he was man enough to satisfy
it wasn't till much later that jean harlow died a mean death, from an
overdose of pills or somethin. poor jean.. if only she had listened to sadie the
psychic back then...
now back to hedda hopper...one day she comes knocking on my door, and the
butler we had lets here in, and she is real haughty like always, and she says to
me, sadie, me and you are gonna get together...
we are? i ask. Yes, we are, says hedda tersely. now i want you to give me
the best reading you got, first...
what the hell do you think i am, a bargain basement? i declare... you get
whatever the crystal ball says, nuthin else...
anyway, she sits down, grabs my hand# and says, listen, sadie, fuck this
bullshit... i could care less about my fortune. i want to get even with that
louella parsons bitch, that fat whore... always stealin my leads... talkin
against me... i want you to do me a favor...
what is that? i ask her, my hackles startin to rise. i want you to throw
a party in your home... oh, i will pay for it... get all the big movie stars,
producers, everyone together... have a banquet... then i want you to play snoop
for me... tape record everyone you can... get the hottest scoop and pass it on
you gotta helluva nerve, i tells hedda, i dont go around tapin my
i know you don't, she says calmly, but maybe this
check in my pocket will....
she opens her purse and shows me a check made out in
the sum of one million dollars ... but no name on it...
this could be all yours, whispers hedda, and i will
gladly put your name on it and make you rich if you do what i says...
i keep thinkin, a million bucks! i could strike out on
my own... i would get rid of this fuckin mansion i live in... i dont need it
anyways and take off on my own ... around the world... anything... get away from
all this shit...
all i have to do is tape record some of these phony
bastards in hollywood, and give the tape to hedda... she could do what she wants
is it a deal? hedda whispers, patting my hand. i know
you are a very intelligent girl, she says, or you would not be a psychic in the
first place.. all i want to do is scoop that big fat ass louella right off the
map... what can you lose?
only my self esteem, i keep thinkin, and all the
friends i made in hollywood... all my hard work, my good name would go up in
smoke once they find out i taped them all... got their most intimate secrets...
just think, hedda whispers again, her tongue lickin
her lips, a million dollars... and all good money too... i have plenty left,
i will even provide you with the tape recorder she
adds with a smile, you can hide them between your tits... i swear, no one will
know... and you got the nicest set of tits i ever saw, sadie...
that's when i decided to accept her offer. anyone who
likes my tits... especially hedda... can't be all bad.
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