EMAIL PAGE THREE
FIFTY-SEVEN, MARCH 1, 2001
(Copyright © 2001 Al Aronowitz)
Bush's Inaugural Address put to Song
Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2000 22:02:35 -0600
From: jo grant <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Bush's Inaugural Address Song (to the tune of "What a
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
what a wonderful world this will be"
know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a
wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about the economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
a wonderful world this will be
know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a
wonderful world this will be. ##
Date: Mon, 20 Nov 2000 01:28:28 -0600
From: Mitch Myers <email@example.com>
funny thing happened a few months ago. I was working at my office, just a
away from where I live, when I called home to check my answering
Instead of getting my outgoing message and the beep, a man whose
voice I had
never heard before answered, "Hello?' Since I live alone and
anyone visiting, I assumed that I had dialed a wrong number.
a short apology, I hung up the phone.
I tried my
calling my house a second time but the same thing happened. Of
hung up and tried again, pushing the buttons carefully to avoid any
Then, for the third time, this same guy answers the phone. I
immediately dialed again and the guy answered, "Hello?" for the fourth
time. So I said to him, "I'm sorry, I'm trying to call my home
and for some
reason I keep getting you by mistake. Could you please tell me
number it is that I've reached? And the guy says. "No way, why
tell you my home number? There's a lot of phone scams going on
If you think you've reached the wrong number, which I'm sure
have, try again and leave me alone." Then the guy hung up.
guy's response made perfect sense, but when I slowly dialed my home
I do mean slowly) and heard his "Hello?" again, I became upset.
I said to the guy, "Listen, I'm really sorry to keep bothering you and I
sounds a little crazy, but my phone number is 773-506-0260, and
each time I
try to check my messages I get you instead. Could you please
just tell me
who you are and what number this is so I can try to resolve my
guy says, "Sorry, buddy. You've obviously got the wrong number and I'll
be damned if
I tell you who I am. Just have the operator dial your number
for you if
you can't get it right. You sound serious, but I'm tired of this
and really don't want to talk to you again."
have to admit that I was a little obsessed with the whole phone number
although I felt foolish when the guy chewed me out, I was also
there was some bold, irreverent thief in my home. A guy who
gets a kick
out of answering other people's phones while he's busy robbing
the mysterious phone guy's advice, I called the operator, briefly
dilemma and asked her if she could please dial the number for
course, she complied and put me right through. This time the guy
answer, but I didn't get my message machine either. The phone just
rang until the operator came back on the line and said, "There's no
would you like to try again later?"
this point I was really concerned. I immediately ran downstairs, jumped
into my car
and raced home to check things out. When I got to the house,
was fine. My alarm system was undisturbed and nothing was amiss.
I didn't have any new messages, the answering machine was plugged
seemed to be working perfectly. I even had someone from my office
house to confirm that the line was in order, which it was. I didn't
else to do except go back to work, which I did.
days passed without incident. I'd occasionally check for messages
no one seemed to be calling, the answering machine would
I wasn't getting that guy anymore. I soon forgot all about my
phone problem. Then, one day during lunch, I called to check my
the whole thing happened again. I'll spare you the details of
frustrating interaction with this guy, except that he raged at me for
him. Again, I became suspicious that something funny was going on.
lunch short, I went straight home to check things out. Again,
everything wasn't fine. There weren't any messages on my machine and I
convinced that my incoming calls were slipping into some kind of
warp. It began to happen more frequently, always at work.
get this same guy on the phone and he'd swear at me for invading his
got to the point where I wouldn't even say anything when he
phone; I'd just listen for some kind of clue until he humg up.
"I know that's you, you bastard! Leave me alone!" When I'd call
at night and he'd answer I could hear the television blaring
"Entertainment Tonight" or "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
maddening and I had no idea what to do.
got strange for me. I began staying at the office late into the
calling home in hopes of catching this guy on the phone. I was
messages constantly and nobody else was calling in. I asked a
to leave me a message when I was out, but no one got through. I
whom I might be missing if this guy was actually intercepting my
switched from an answering machine to a voicemail account at the
I tried to get my office mate to listen in when I'd call home,
mysterious phone guy never answered when he was in the room. I
myself on speed dial at the office and even got Caller ID
I could confirm my calls when I got home. Still, the phenomena
I had an idea. What if I get this guy on a three-way call with somebody
else on the
line? At least that way I could get a third party to confirm I
hallucinating. After setting it up with a buddy and going through
phone calls over a four-day period, we finally got him. The
phone guy answered and right away my friend says, "Please sir,
up!" He then identifies himself as my associate and earnestly
guy to consider the possibility of a glitch involving our
phone lines. The guy paused for a second, then he said, "Okay,
say that I did believe you and gave you my name and number. What
would you do then?"
admitted that I didn't know what to do with this information, other than
give it to
the Phone Company and ask them to investigate the problem. Again,
mysterious phone guy refused. "Great," he said. "Then I'd have
calling me and worse than that, it would involve a corporation. I
anyone examining my phone line, I just need you to leave me
alone!" And then he hung up.
week, things took another strange turn. I had worked over the weekend,
home repeatedly and connecting with the mysterious phone guy
twice in one
day. On Monday I hit the speed dial as soon as I got into my
to hear an automated voice telling me that the phone number had
changed, and that the new number was unlisted at the recipient's
Phone Company says there's nothing wrong with the line but when they
number for me it just rings and rings - no outgoing message, no
voice, nothing. I've had the same phone number for seventeen years
and I don't want to change it, but it seems like there's no other choice.
I'd hate to
think that people aren't reaching my voicemail or worse yet,
maybe everyone's talking to the mysterious phone guy instead of me.
again, maybe nobody's calling at all.
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