COLUMN THIRTY-THREE, MAY 1, 1998
(Copyright © 1998 Al Aronowitz)
INSPECTOR SHITHOUND, THE KENNEL STAR
I am in a deep, deep sleep. My dream is better than a blockbuster movie, and I didn't even have to pay admission. I dream I am one of Fidel Castro's trusted lieutenants, except Fidel really turns out to be a younger Daniel Ortega. When he asks me what I think of Communism, I tell him ALL governments eat shit. And then,---Ring! Ring! Ring!
Groggily, I reach for the phone next to my bed, thinking it is my sexy former girl friend, Melinda, who used to be a topless and bottomless dancer and who is some 30 years my junior. It's my theory that to stay young you have to dive into the fountain of youth and the only fountain of youth is youth itself. I once used Melinda as my fountain. Yes I dived into her. That was almost 20 years ago. After she told me she didn't dig fucking me any more, I became her father-confessor. She always calls when she's in emotional trouble and I'm dead asleep.
"Hi, Al. Did I wake you up?" asks a vaguely familiar voice.
I am very annoyed to have been torn away from my blockbuster of a dream. Nastily, I ask, "What time is it?"
"It's 4 a.m. I thought you're always up all night!"
Still groggy, I try to recognize the voice. It takes a while before he reminds me that he's the guy who once introduced himself as the famous Deep Throat years ago when I was living in D.C. It's been ages since I last heard from him. What's he doing calling me at 4 a.m." It's gotta be important. Deep Throat always claims to know everything that's important.
"Oh," I say as pleasantly as possible. "It's you!" Look, Deep, I'm a senior citizen now. I can't stay up all night."
"Sorry if I woke you, but I've just learned about your Internet column. Someone showed
Inspector Shithound represents the worst Fascist right-wingers in the Republican Party
me your piece about Inspector Shithound, the Kennel Star, and I thought I'd call you up with news from D.C. See, I think Inspector Shithound's after me, too. He doesn't like my name. He thinks it indicates I practice oral sex. Maybe he thinks I'm queer. You know, he's a blow job maniac. I don't know if he likes to give them or get them, but he's on a rampage that makes the Salem Witch-hunt look like child's play. He's not going to let anyone stand in the ay of his mission to smear some shit on Clinton. He represents the worst Fascist right-wingers in the Republican Party. What they're doing is an end run around the Constitution, which doesn't include any provisions for a Grand Inquisitor like him. The right wingers are determined to bring Clinton down. They don't give a shit about election results. They just want their way! By taking this disrespectfully low blow at Clinton, they are disrespecting and denigrating the Office of the Presidency. And, by disrespecting and denigrating the Office of the Presidency, they are disrspectng and denigrating America. In its own eyes as well as in the eyes of the world. They've said fuck the Constitution, we'll installed a man who supersedes the President. The Republican Party has really become the Creeping Fascism Party, all the way from Rudy Giuliani, dictator of New York, who makes jaywalking a capital crime, to Inspector Shithound, peeking through White House keyholes after making a career out of trying to nail Clinton on some Arkansas bullshit and failing so miserably at it. There are so many more poor people out there than there are rich people. How do the Republicans ever win elections? They just buy 'em. That's all! Like always, the most money always wins. Which is why our homegrown fascists got so upset that Clinton was able to raise enough money to beat 'em. The Republicans really want to take us back to the days when they hung adulterers and burned witches. Did you ever see the likes of two, unctuous, obfuscating, sanctimonious, hypocritical bastards as Toupee Trent and Lizard Newt?"
God! Deep's really wound up!
"For god's sakes," he continues, isn't the President entitled to a little sex life, too? His old lady is always on the road. He's got to get it where he can. He's not an old, impotent fart like Ronnie Reagan. The Republicans always want somebody who's half-dead to be President. This guy's young and virile, like you and me used to be. For guys like us, life is a continual hunt for pussy. Did you ever get laid as often as you wanted to? Nobody gets it as often as he wants to get it. Sometimes, not even women. With life a continual hunt for pussy, every guy who's straight ends up indulging in some kind of sexual harassment or else he's a liar. For guys like us, women don't give it up that easy. . .
"You had to call me at 4 in the morning to tell me this?"
"Like I said," he says, "I just discovered your website and I was in a rush to tell you. By the way, didja hear any of the latest Zippergate jokes?"
"Huh?" He has caught me off guard. I am wide awake now.
"What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?" he giggles.
At four in the morning he's telling me jokes?
"Only 1500 went down on the Titanic," he says.
Oh, no! He's got to be kidding.
"Didja know the new game in the White House is swallow the leader?"
I am dumbfounded. Speechless.
"And Didja know that in a survey of American women who were asked, 'Would you sleep with President Clinton?' 86 per cent answered, 'Not again.'"
"Don't get your balls in an uproar!" Deep says. "I just wanted to tell you Inspector Shithound is trying to change 'Zippergate' to 'Fornigate.' He knows that a blow job is really minor, minor stuff and it's backfiring on him. He thinks he's the most powerful man in the country and he doesn't want to be laughed at. Have you ever taken a good look at Long-Nosed Paula or Monica the Mouth? Inspector Shithound wants to make a stiffer accusation against the President. He wants to upgrade the crime to I think it's called 'beastiality.' Isn't that the name for trying to get it on with dogs?" ##
(Drawings by Mark Christopher)
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